Status Updates From Idiots

November 30, 2010

Captain Dingleberry’s Rapist’s Wit

DrunkenStepFather – “COMMENT OF THE DAY CONTEST OF THE DAY: What’s better? A . raping a pregnant woman is not as bad as raping a non-pregnant chick, because the jury will always be thinking “She’s fucked already”. Or at least that is what I am hoping. OR B – julianne moore is so effin hot that if she had a yeast infestion i would eat ginger bread.”

– Guess what everybody? I found another hilarious celebrity blog called Drunken Stepfather. Not to be confused with www.wwtdd.com , which Stepfather clearly doesn’t rip off. If you’ve never heard of this blog then don’t worry, it’s as stupid as shit. Take his status update for example doesn’t it just cry “I’m a homophobic dick-pit that thinks: A. rape is funny & B. Julianne Moore Uncle Fester’s daughter is so effin hot that I’d eat herpes off a crack whore’s floppy beef curtains just to prove I’m worth it”. Then again I wouldn’t be surprised if his stepfather use to play the “Get over here so I can have sex with your little boy butt” game every Saturday night. Do us all a favor Captain Dingleberry and piss off a mobster whose mother was raped.

November 10, 2010

Ms. Pee Pants

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , — youneed2stop @ 8:02 am

Jeni ****** – “So i am laying on the couch today, enjoying a wonderful visit from mother nature, as i am holding my stomach because its cramping, ethan says ”Momma, maybe you should go drop some turds off and then your belly will feel better” omg, i almost wet myself.”

– Well I’m impressed, Ms. Jeni. You’ve taken nearly every bodily function (piss, fecal matter, vagina blood, and possibly tears from laughing so hard) and incorporated them all into a rather disturbing status update. The only excrement missing is your boyfriends semen, which could possibly be found in one of those sperm-turds you’re about to drop. Jeni, I know splooge covered turds and urine soaked panties with blood stains may sound offensive and unnecessary, but it’s not, because it has to do with nature and nature’s not offensive. I don’t know….. I guess I’m a little bummed that you didn’t talk more about your period and how we all need to know about it.

October 26, 2010

LOL! That Is Funny

Filed under: comedy, Please Stop Talking — Tags: , , , , , — youneed2stop @ 6:12 am

Amanda ******** – “ok one more day before I leave for CHICAGO!!!!! I think there is much to be done but its ok it will all get done and if it doesnt then who cares becuase I get to see some of my family tomorrow and my sisters baby belly (which I am hopeing to be quite large LOL)”

– I wonder if Mark Zuckerberg wouldn’t mind adding a mandatory IQ test to Facebook. Wouldn’t that be badass? You could view all your chums IQ scores on their homepage and leave comments like “Well aren’t you sharp as a tack ;9”. Of course you’ll have people like Amanduhhhhhhh who’ll find ways to piss on your party of happiness by scoring lower than a dead person and failing. Amandumb, the only reason I’m poking fun at your intelligence is because you’re moving to Chicago in the winter…… and the comment you made about “there is much to be done but it’s ok”………..  and the comment you made about your sisters baby belly, which I’m convinced is a knapsack of Kraft Singles that she ‘accidentally’ swallowed.

October 18, 2010

Birth Control is to Babies as…..

Filed under: comedy, Really? — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 4:22 am

Cindy ******** – “got class at 9:30 and then got a dr appt at 2 to get my birth control shot, and then i am going to see my baby for a little while and then i have a class at…”

– ….Cindy’s class is to English. First and foremost I’d like to thank Cindy for clearing up a question that’s always baffled me. Why does oxymoron end with moron? (see status update for the obvious answer) Man oh man I wish I invented that word. Of course I’d keep oxy and replace moron with an extremely hurtful and offensive word. And seeing how Sindy sounds like a stripper, hence why I dropped the “C” and added an “S”, maybe this is the perfect time to update oxymoron to “oxyf*cktard”.

September 8, 2010

Monica Without A Cause

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 6:00 am

Monica ****** – “I’m strong-willed, independent and outspoken; I make mistakes. I am sometimes out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best. If …you’re a…HANDFUL, then post this on …..your status.. I DARE You!”

– You are aware that this courageous DARE you accepted portrays you as a self loving bitch, whose most redeemable qualities can either be found with a backhand upside your head or asleep in bed. Then again you probably snore, snort, and bark like a walrus having a wet dream when you’re sleeping. Either way you’re about as badass as those Tazz and Bugs attitude t-shirts from the 90’s. I personally think you’re a nice stupid person who waters her corn crops on farmville and usually writes updates about how much you love your hubby.

September 1, 2010

Go For It!

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 8:22 pm

Drew ******** – “It always or usually takes 4 or 5 “no’s” to get to a yes. No “no” should stop you. Keep on keep onnin’.”

– Nice going, Drew! You just gave all the rapists out there a reason to continue raping. I suppose you plan on sharing the same motto to a bunch of terminally ill poor kids too. Kids who’ve been denied health care and patrol Facebook looking for uplifting status updates about turning frownies into mom’s heart warming brownies. Listen punk, if life was like Rocky 1-4 then I could see your point. Unfortunately, life’s like Rocky 5. Your brother-in-law gambles all your money away. The bank seizes your house, robot maid, and motorcycles. And you’re brain dead.

August 19, 2010

The “Madly in Love” Updater

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 7:45 am

Shelbi ********* – “Last night was one of those many nights I will never forget. I love u so much!!!”

– I feel ya sister, or at least everything up until the “I love u so much!!!” part. (would it kill you to put a y & o in the word “you”?) I snuck into my ex-whorefriends house last night and let me tell you it was un-for-gett-able. I started the night off by taking a gorilla sized upper decker in the bathroom. Put super glue on her vibrator and stuck it up the cats, Dr. Chuggles, ass. Used her computer to post an ad on Craigslist under the Casual Encounters section: “Wanted: Beefcake Genie to fulfill Homealone fantasy. Need a man to break into my place at 3:00 AM, shove a tennis ball in my mouth, shave my head, and tie me to a chair. What happens next is up to you! wink” After I checked her email I went into the kitchen and washed all the dishes; well all except one. And then left. The moral of the story is that you suck.

Chazz Is Back

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 6:23 am

Joe ******* – “‎5 hours into vacation and drunk off of wine…mom ditched me for bed and now I’m waiting on this guy to call before I call it a night. I guess I’ll keep on drinking….”

– If this guy isn’t the spitting image of the cartoon watching, meatloaf eating, nunchucking Chazz (Wedding Crashers) then I’ll personally eat a grill cheese sandwich out of Rosie O’Donnell’s fat swampy ass. In the middle of July. In the muggy state of Louisiana. Preferably in the picnic area of a gator farm. Of course the only difference between Jo and Chazz is that Chazz pulls a shitload of butt, while Jo has sex with his hands and a Long John Silvers napkin.

July 27, 2010

I Heart Movies Too!

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 8:45 am

Shelbi ********** – “My amazing man + great movies= a great relaxing weekend & healing time.”

– Shelbi, you just dropped some serious deja vu on my ass. My girlfriend and I just had a delightful weekend of watching movies, eating popcorn and acting out our favorite scenes (which is always fun foreplay.) Our favorite movie by far was this art house film called The Human Centipede.

It’s a heartbreaking tale about a lonely German Doctor finding true love with two girls and one Chinese dude. His love was so great that he stopped at nothing to show them a sexy good time. One day (while he was nursing the bitchy patients back to health in his basement, in the middle of the woods, in the middle of Germany) the good Doctor unveiled his passion project to the gang. His mission was to show them an ultra sexy good time by: lining them up on all fours, sowing their mouths to each others buttholes, and connect everybody via their gastric systems. My lips are sealed as to what happens next (hint: it’s the SEXY must see event of the year with Oscar bait written all over it. You heard it here first.)

April 23, 2010

Larry King, Tiger Woods…and Gay Marriage

Filed under: Please Stop Talking — Tags: , , , , , , , — youneed2stop @ 5:58 pm

To Everybody Who Posted This – “Just saying, Larry King is getting his 8th divorce, Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time, Jesse James and Tiger Woods are screwing EVERYTHING, yet the idea of same-sex marriage is what is going to destroy the institution of marriage?? REALLY?? Feel free to copy and paste if you agree!”

– The grundel responsible for posting this butt spew belongs on a one way shortbus to “Dumber-Than-Retard-Shit-ville”. I’d love to know how one goes about comparing multimillion dollar celebrity marriages to same sex marriage? Cause God knows celebrity marriages have EVERYTHING to do with gay rights. In fact, lets assume that ALL gay couples have billions of dollars and Gatorade commercials. What’s that? REALLY?? Not all gay dudes/dudettes piss pirate maps and shit treasure chests. Try Googling statistics based on the middle class divorce rate next time and argue those points for gay marriage. Just saying…..

Side note – This update doesn’t necessarily support gay marriage, but rather condemn it to the “Our Lives Are F**ked Up, So Let’s F**k Up Someone Else’s” category. Feel free to copy if you agree!

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