Go For It!

Drew ******** – “It always or usually takes 4 or 5 “no’s” to get to a yes. No “no” should stop you. Keep on keep onnin’.”

– Nice going, Drew! You just gave all the rapists out there a reason to continue raping. I suppose you plan on sharing the same motto to a bunch of terminally ill poor kids too. Kids who’ve been denied health care and patrol Facebook looking for uplifting status updates about turning frownies into mom’s heart warming brownies. Listen punk, if life was like Rocky 1-4 then I could see your point. Unfortunately, life’s like Rocky 5. Your brother-in-law gambles all your money away. The bank seizes your house, robot maid, and motorcycles. And you’re brain dead.

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America! F*ck Yeah!

Sarah ***** – “Dr. Laura:don’t retreat….reload! (Steps aside bc her 1st Amend. rights ceased 2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence”isn’t American,not fair”)”

– This really, really, really smart status update comes to us from a misinformed righteous knucklehead lady who would’ve been the 44th VP and quite possibly the next candidate for president of America. She’s intelligent, beautiful, and represents the everyday working class mom (I know this because that’s how I feel in my heart and Fox News told me so.) And then there’s the truth.

If America had elected (or elects) this lady into office then we’ve truly long jumped over the age of Idiocracy and b-lined it straight into the age of Retardation. I mean she has the writing skills of her Forest Gumped baby daughter’s baby. Oh and Sarah’s defending the very white Dr. Laura (radio host) who wonders why black people can say “nigger” and white people can’t. Dr. Laura then proceeded to chant “nigger”, because the constitution told her so, while Sarah and lots of other awkward white people gave each other high fives as they chanted “Go Laura. Go Laura. Go, Go, Go Laura”.

The “Madly in Love” Updater

Shelbi ********* – “Last night was one of those many nights I will never forget. I love u so much!!!”

– I feel ya sister, or at least everything up until the “I love u so much!!!” part. (would it kill you to put a y & o in the word “you”?) I snuck into my ex-whorefriends house last night and let me tell you it was un-for-gett-able. I started the night off by taking a gorilla sized upper decker in the bathroom. Put super glue on her vibrator and stuck it up the cats, Dr. Chuggles, ass. Used her computer to post an ad on Craigslist under the Casual Encounters section: “Wanted: Beefcake Genie to fulfill Homealone fantasy. Need a man to break into my place at 3:00 AM, shove a tennis ball in my mouth, shave my head, and tie me to a chair. What happens next is up to you! wink” After I checked her email I went into the kitchen and washed all the dishes; well all except one. And then left. The moral of the story is that you suck.

Chazz Is Back

Joe ******* – “‎5 hours into vacation and drunk off of wine…mom ditched me for bed and now I’m waiting on this guy to call before I call it a night. I guess I’ll keep on drinking….”

– If this guy isn’t the spitting image of the cartoon watching, meatloaf eating, nunchucking Chazz (Wedding Crashers) then I’ll personally eat a grill cheese sandwich out of Rosie O’Donnell’s fat swampy ass. In the middle of July. In the muggy state of Louisiana. Preferably in the picnic area of a gator farm. Of course the only difference between Jo and Chazz is that Chazz pulls a shitload of butt, while Jo has sex with his hands and a Long John Silvers napkin.

I Heart Movies Too!

Shelbi ********** – “My amazing man + great movies= a great relaxing weekend & healing time.”

– Shelbi, you just dropped some serious deja vu on my ass. My girlfriend and I just had a delightful weekend of watching movies, eating popcorn and acting out our favorite scenes (which is always fun foreplay.) Our favorite movie by far was this art house film called The Human Centipede.

It’s a heartbreaking tale about a lonely German Doctor finding true love with two girls and one Chinese dude. His love was so great that he stopped at nothing to show them a sexy good time. One day (while he was nursing the bitchy patients back to health in his basement, in the middle of the woods, in the middle of Germany) the good Doctor unveiled his passion project to the gang. His mission was to show them an ultra sexy good time by: lining them up on all fours, sowing their mouths to each others buttholes, and connect everybody via their gastric systems. My lips are sealed as to what happens next (hint: it’s the SEXY must see event of the year with Oscar bait written all over it. You heard it here first.)

Your Cheekbones Ran Away

Katie ******* – “I used to have cheekbones…where did you go!!!”

– My guess is that they’re stuck somewhere underneath the (BK Fish sandwich, little smokies, pepperoni, Dunk em’s, Easy Cheese, Cookie Crisp, stick of butter, Pig’s feet, pound cake, Awesome Blossom, Alfredo sauce (no noodles), Chili’s Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with vanilla ice cream, Doritos Buffalo wing/Ranch hybrid, sack of sugar, and bag of chocolate covered gummy Jolly Ranchers) ungodly amount of lard you inject in your cheeks.

I Threw Up on My Computer… Again

Danielle ****** “Ok, so now my knee is putting out this yellow-y goo….and I’m told it’s the start of the healing process. Why does this seem wrong to me?”

AIDS!

— Cause you’re an idiot.  This is just plain gross.  I don’t even know you and I want to throw hydrogen peroxide all over your leg.  I mean come on.  Mel Gibson would rant on you like he does the blacks and Jews, but since he’s not here, I will.  When you thought ‘hey you know what, I’m gonna post a picture of my leg bloody and AIDS like on Facebook’ what did you think the response would be? Keep pictures to loved ones, vega$$$, roomies and besties, please don’t start an album entitled bloody wounds and healing puss.  I’m gonna go puke now.

The Answer is YES!

Leslie H********* — “Should I take a hint when my bf starts suggesting that we start working out and eating better??? Ha ha like he’s dating a fat kid and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings so suggests we do it “together” LOL”

–I used to suggest to my girlfriend that we have sex in hotter places, or that she turn up the heat in her place to sauna levels so that she could sweat all night.  Then I would always ask her to race me to my car or I would ask her to get something from the kitchen and then tell her I’d time her.  It’s also normal for your boyfriend to suggest you stop double fisting McDonald’s cheeseburgers at 2am, drinking whole milk white russians at a bar, eating pancakes more than 4 times a week and eating all the cookie dough before you actually bake a cookie… fatty.

Lip Augpmemtation

Damon ******* – “DO MOT HAVE LIP AUGPMEMTATION! For fear that you will end up having lips so large that you will be be man or woman who is forced to always breath out of their mouths. Elevataorsmwill turn to gas chambers. that constant sluh, sluh,sluh,sluhm = from the halotosis mouth i the back seat will eventually overcome the care with teh rotted, putrid smell of fermented teeth!!!!! Watch out for theopen mouth sleeper”

– Either this is a riddle or Damon here has been dipping his hand in the oxycontin jar. I hope this is a riddle, because I really don’t have the time or patience to introduce another friend to McGruff the drug dog. Last time McGruff beat the shit out of my gas huffing friend Stephen with a tire iron. Point being that Damon and his gayness are officially more annoying than that shirtless pig faced guy from the Twilight movies.

Vito and the ESC Button

Vito ******* –  “My new motto is inspired from the esc key on my computer keyboard. Energy, Swagger, and Confidence. That is what I will exude on stage.”

– That’s funny, because my new motto was inspired by the delete key on my typing board: Dumb Elephants Like Eating Tigers Early. I know it sounds stupid, but when I was younger I was super fat and ate 8 bowls of Frosted Flakes early in the morning. I sometimes look at the delete key and cry……. nah I’m just f*ckin’ with ya. I’m not that big of a doucher. Vito, the “esc” key may be your new motto, but the “alt” key (ass licking turd) best describes your love for pointless updates.