Status Updates From Idiots

November 30, 2010

Captain Dingleberry’s Rapist’s Wit

DrunkenStepFather – “COMMENT OF THE DAY CONTEST OF THE DAY: What’s better? A . raping a pregnant woman is not as bad as raping a non-pregnant chick, because the jury will always be thinking “She’s fucked already”. Or at least that is what I am hoping. OR B – julianne moore is so effin hot that if she had a yeast infestion i would eat ginger bread.”

– Guess what everybody? I found another hilarious celebrity blog called Drunken Stepfather. Not to be confused with www.wwtdd.com , which Stepfather clearly doesn’t rip off. If you’ve never heard of this blog then don’t worry, it’s as stupid as shit. Take his status update for example doesn’t it just cry “I’m a homophobic dick-pit that thinks: A. rape is funny & B. Julianne Moore Uncle Fester’s daughter is so effin hot that I’d eat herpes off a crack whore’s floppy beef curtains just to prove I’m worth it”. Then again I wouldn’t be surprised if his stepfather use to play the “Get over here so I can have sex with your little boy butt” game every Saturday night. Do us all a favor Captain Dingleberry and piss off a mobster whose mother was raped.

August 21, 2010

America! F*ck Yeah!

Filed under: comedy, Shut Up — Tags: , , , , , , , , — youneed2stop @ 6:59 pm

Sarah ***** – “Dr. Laura:don’t retreat….reload! (Steps aside bc her 1st Amend. rights ceased 2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence”isn’t American,not fair”)”

– This really, really, really smart status update comes to us from a misinformed righteous knucklehead lady who would’ve been the 44th VP and quite possibly the next candidate for president of America. She’s intelligent, beautiful, and represents the everyday working class mom (I know this because that’s how I feel in my heart and Fox News told me so.) And then there’s the truth.

If America had elected (or elects) this lady into office then we’ve truly long jumped over the age of Idiocracy and b-lined it straight into the age of Retardation. I mean she has the writing skills of her Forest Gumped baby daughter’s baby. Oh and Sarah’s defending the very white Dr. Laura (radio host) who wonders why black people can say “nigger” and white people can’t. Dr. Laura then proceeded to chant “nigger”, because the constitution told her so, while Sarah and lots of other awkward white people gave each other high fives as they chanted “Go Laura. Go Laura. Go, Go, Go Laura”.

April 8, 2010

The Calendar Updater

Filed under: Shut Up — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 8:01 pm


Helenna ****** – “building websites, making pitch packages, and drinking chai….awesome day ahead!!!”

– I love it when people post their gay-ily planners on Facebook. How else would we know that our lives don’t suck as bad as we think? People in 30 year comas seem to be living a better life than…… (I should end this sentence here). Quick note to The Calendar Updater: this kind of update is only interesting to you and nobody else. If you don’t believe me then read a couple of your updates to a blind man/woman. See if they don’t beat you silly stupid with that red and white cane of theirs.

February 25, 2010

Someone Die? Smile?

Filed under: Shut Up — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 5:22 pm

Maria ***** – “Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it’s breaking, when there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow you will find that life is still worth while. If you just SMILE 😉 …”

– I have no idea if this is a song, quote, or some lame early morning ramble, but I feel like we need to call bullshit on this one. The only way I see this goofy-ass update holding any kind of truth is if Mr./Mrs. Heartache was hooked up to a morphine drip, while cruising around the Kingdom of Caring in a Cloud Car, bumping Foghat, while Share Bear gives them a sexy PJ (Paw Job). In other words this update is an insult to anybody who breathes. ;9 (Sorry folks they don’t make hair-lipped winky faces) dot.dot.dot.

February 11, 2010

Perfect As F**k

Filed under: Shut Up — youneed2stop @ 6:27 pm


Kimberly ****** – “Sure to be a busy weekend ~ Lotsa fun stuff planned. And spent with my two favorite people. I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful boyfriend, and such a beautiful daughter. Life is just about perfect.” 🙂

– Do you know what else would make life even more perfect? By replacing “boyfriend” with “husband” so your kid can have a Dad and rewriting this quote in all CAPS followed by 50 smiley faces. :9

February 10, 2010

Yikes!

Filed under: Shut Up — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 6:55 pm

Justin *********** – “as we grow up, we learn that even the one person who wasnt supposed to let you down, will. your heart will be broken you wil break hearts too so just remember how it felt when yours was the one that was broken. you will fight with your best friend, you will lose someone you love, so love like you have never been hurt …becuase every sixty second you spend upset is a minute of happiness you will never get back.”

– Finally someone has answered that age old question “What’s the meaning of life?”. Here I was reading the Kabbalah Bible, Dianetics (Ron L. Flubbart’s spaceship bible), and the Da Vinci Code trying my hardest to crack this million year old mystery. Well I’m glad to say my journey has come to an end. According to Justin the meaning of life is spending all your seconds on earth being happy. Religion? I was way off.

January 26, 2010

The Morning After Update

Filed under: Shut Up — Tags: , , , , , — youneed2stop @ 7:01 am

Tommy ******** –  “Sweet. Drunk Me left Sober Me a Gatorade next to the bed. Love that guy. Teamwork!”

– Ten dollars and a 7-11 hotdog says this guy looks like Otis from The Andy Griffith Show. What a coincidence I too like updating my status the VERY next morning after drinking (mainly to tell all my friends that I’m a charming bad boy that likes breaking the rules) “LOL… Still drunk off drinking alcohol. I was party animal last night! A girl smiled at me… I think she’s the 1” Granted mine aren’t knee slappers like Tommy’s, but with enough hangovers I’m sure I’ll get there.

December 1, 2009

Path To Idiotsville

Filed under: Shut Up — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 5:35 pm

Jamie ******** – is “so many paths to take but which is the right one?how am i supposed to make that decision?lookin forward to what my future holds.”

– Hmmm….. that’s a tough one. You know that picture of a man standing at a fork in the road, one path narrow the other wide? Yeah, people like you have a special hidden path that’s not shown in the “Life’s Important Decisions” picture. The forbidden path is only revealed to those who chant Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life”, while zigging Gargamel’s magical (smurf-killing) wand in an X,Y,Z pattern. In other words if that dude in the picture turned around and walked back the way he came, that would be your path. And if your backwards path leads you to a cliff, keep walking, cause ain’t nothing gonna stand in your way.

November 4, 2009

I Hate My Life… Sigh…

Filed under: Please Stop Talking, Shut Up — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 7:01 pm

Amber ********* “I woke up thinking about a lot of things *sigh*. I’m looking forward to my trip and getting back to make some serious changes.”

–I woke up this morning thinking about getting a haircut *sigh* then probably going to get some Subway *sigh* and then more than likely drinking some gatorade later *sigh* I’m thinking *sigh* that when I get back from the dry cleaner *sigh* I’m gonna make some serious *sigh* changes *sigh* …

October 20, 2009

It’s A Season Dumbass

Filed under: Shut Up — youneed2stop @ 4:37 am

Andre ****** –  “Look Who showed up, WINTER….. where u been? i see you brought rain with u from summer.”

– I can tell by reading this that you’re about as popular as a Monday morning. I don’t know which is more disturbing the fact that you’re asking Winter a question as if it were a person, or that you’re throwing a pretend party for all the Seasons and Winter showed up an hour late with an uninvited guest. (Sigh) I would ask you to stop, but then I couldn’t make fun of you for being a dipshit.

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