Status Updates From Idiots

November 30, 2010

Captain Dingleberry’s Rapist’s Wit

DrunkenStepFather – “COMMENT OF THE DAY CONTEST OF THE DAY: What’s better? A . raping a pregnant woman is not as bad as raping a non-pregnant chick, because the jury will always be thinking “She’s fucked already”. Or at least that is what I am hoping. OR B – julianne moore is so effin hot that if she had a yeast infestion i would eat ginger bread.”

– Guess what everybody? I found another hilarious celebrity blog called Drunken Stepfather. Not to be confused with www.wwtdd.com , which Stepfather clearly doesn’t rip off. If you’ve never heard of this blog then don’t worry, it’s as stupid as shit. Take his status update for example doesn’t it just cry “I’m a homophobic dick-pit that thinks: A. rape is funny & B. Julianne Moore Uncle Fester’s daughter is so effin hot that I’d eat herpes off a crack whore’s floppy beef curtains just to prove I’m worth it”. Then again I wouldn’t be surprised if his stepfather use to play the “Get over here so I can have sex with your little boy butt” game every Saturday night. Do us all a favor Captain Dingleberry and piss off a mobster whose mother was raped.

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November 16, 2010

What A Ham!

Wrenna ***** – I’d have no problem tasting Human.. I think it’d taste like chicken.. maybe like moose. I reaally just want to bite someones throat out right now.. wolf style. GrarRR!! Will be in Hollywood Tomorrow for another neurologist apt then in my pasties I go “:)

– Ever come across a f@cktard like Wrenna and say “I’m not a doctor or anything, but that dumb biotch needs to be put in a straight jacket and pushed down a hill”?  Well I haven’t, because I AM A DOCTOR.  A really good doctor too. So it’s only appropriate that I lend a reasonable explanation as to why Wrenna posted a satanic update.

Late one Friday night Wrenna caught Blade 3 on TNT. She fell head over heels in love with Blade, or in her words “Eddie Murphy: the Black Vampire Ninja”. Of course I told her Wesley Snipes was Blade, but she insisted that Eddie Murphy gained a lot of weight for the Black Vampire Ninja role in Big Momma’s House 2. Anyways, Wrenna got curious and went to a Vampire/Werewolf S&M club. She was immediately propositioned by a man wearing a tin helmet and spiked shoulder pads to take the Human-Moose challenge (much like the Pepsi-Coke challenge, but with blood). After downing 2 goblets of blood Wrenna blacked out. The next morning she awoke in a locked porta potty dressed as a vampire warrior elf. Ever since that fateful night Wrenna is convinced of 3 things: 1. it’s ok to eat people (because human throats taste like moose) 2. vampires and werewolves are real and live in castles 3. Shredder left the Footclan to run the hottest Vampire/Werewolf S&M club in town called FANGS.

October 18, 2010

Birth Control is to Babies as…..

Filed under: comedy, Really? — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 4:22 am

Cindy ******** – “got class at 9:30 and then got a dr appt at 2 to get my birth control shot, and then i am going to see my baby for a little while and then i have a class at…”

– ….Cindy’s class is to English. First and foremost I’d like to thank Cindy for clearing up a question that’s always baffled me. Why does oxymoron end with moron? (see status update for the obvious answer) Man oh man I wish I invented that word. Of course I’d keep oxy and replace moron with an extremely hurtful and offensive word. And seeing how Sindy sounds like a stripper, hence why I dropped the “C” and added an “S”, maybe this is the perfect time to update oxymoron to “oxyf*cktard”.

June 28, 2010

Lip Augpmemtation

Filed under: comedy, Really? — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 5:33 am

Damon ******* – “DO MOT HAVE LIP AUGPMEMTATION! For fear that you will end up having lips so large that you will be be man or woman who is forced to always breath out of their mouths. Elevataorsmwill turn to gas chambers. that constant sluh, sluh,sluh,sluhm = from the halotosis mouth i the back seat will eventually overcome the care with teh rotted, putrid smell of fermented teeth!!!!! Watch out for theopen mouth sleeper”

– Either this is a riddle or Damon here has been dipping his hand in the oxycontin jar. I hope this is a riddle, because I really don’t have the time or patience to introduce another friend to McGruff the drug dog. Last time McGruff beat the shit out of my gas huffing friend Stephen with a tire iron. Point being that Damon and his gayness are officially more annoying than that shirtless pig faced guy from the Twilight movies.

May 25, 2010

Hittin’ Up Da Club In Nordstroms

Filed under: comedy, Really? — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 6:01 am

Antoinette ***** – “There’s a dj at nordstroms!!! Loving it!!”

– This update has got to be a joke, cause nobody in the history of everything, should ever be impressed by a DJ in Nordstroms. But then again Anoinette seems like the kind of gal who has an attention span of a gnat buzzing around a 7-11 dumpster filled with shitty parking lot diapers. Twenty bucks and a chocolate frosty says that when the DJ played Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”,(keep in mind she’s in F*CKING NORDSTROMS) Antoinette felt the need to tell people how this song inspired her to be a strong single woman. That is until she realizes being alone/single sucks and ends up walking off into the wilderness to never be heard from again. That sounds about right. Right?

April 13, 2010

Doble Stack

Filed under: Really? — Tags: — youneed2stop @ 4:51 pm

Justin ******* – “im so in love its crazy.i never thought it wud happen to me. a”

– Justin, drop your oven mitts and run to the bathroom . Now look in the mirror.  What do you see? Is it a man? Or a twink guy who likes Rom-Coms and going to brunch with the fellas? It’s really none of my business, but ya sound like a 12 year old girl named Justina who writes like the guy responsible for posting specials on fastfood signs.  Almost certain there’s an “O” and “L” in the word “wud”.

April 6, 2010

Work That Booby

Filed under: Really? — youneed2stop @ 4:57 pm

Marci ******* – “is working through a massive plugged duct in recorded time” 🙂

Comments:

Gene **** likes this.

Jennifer ******* Whoo, brave (or determined) woman to drink acv – did you dilute it, I hope? Please feel better soon!

Marci ******* The idea to torture-er, I mean treat- myself w/acv came from Erin. I did dilute it, but actually I don’t find it too difficult to stomach. The time spent massaging my breast is far more uncomfortable, but so worth the rapid healing effects!

— What if your husband posted “Is working through a serious case of erectile dysfunction in record time. Almost at half-chub :)”? I bet you’d throw a bitchy tantrum about how much of an embarrassment he is to the family. But, I’m sure he has NO problem with your update about clogged up titty milk and f*cked up calloused nipples. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he created a Facebook group called: Status Updates For New Mommies. A place where new Moms can post updates about the joys/pains of motherhood: Why is my vagina still loose?, Hubby’s taking my c-section stitches out today!!!, Accidentally swallowed my babies circumcised foreskin…. is that bad?


March 31, 2010

She’s Not Shy

Filed under: Really? — Tags: , — youneed2stop @ 9:59 pm

Afentra ********* – “Just put my kids Desitin on my anus.”

– I blame all the Facebook updaters for this one. If it wasn’t for you and your gay-ass updates then Afentra wouldn’t have posted a status that paints a picture of her infected starfish. However, Afentra could also be one of those f**ktard’s who huffs canisters of Dust-Off and plays greasy finger games with her bum; all while her kid sits at the kitchen table, holding fork and knife, with an empty plate in front of him. Oh Afentra! You never had a chance did you?

March 2, 2010

That’s Craptastic

Filed under: Really? — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 6:52 pm

Summer ********** – “SO. On the way home from Disney, I smelled poop and envisioned Madilyn eating it so I pulled over and sure as $hiz, she’s got poop on her face and hands, eating it. Not kidding. She smiled at me as I gagged. I have “special” kids.”

– Question….. what the F*CK is wrong with you? Why would you do this? Did you drink a lot of malt liquor when you were pregnant? There’s absolutely no excuse for posting this horrific update that will most likely make every guy want to chop his nuts off with a butter knife and every girl convert to lesbianism. I always wondered who was responsible for birthing The Garbage Pail Kids and now I know.

February 17, 2010

The “Dear” Updates Have Got To Go

Filed under: Really? — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 5:01 pm

Kahla *********** – “Dear Starbucks: I’m pretty sure you forgot the caffeine in my triple venti mocha. But I forgive you….see you tomorrow!” 😀

– Dear People who write letters on their status updates, you’re about as lame as your parents for having you. There should be a law against stupid shit like this and if found guilty sentenced to an underwater submarine prison for a maximum of 5 years.  All the guards would walk around in orange jumpsuits carrying spear guns and the prison would be run by this guy: Warden Ricky “The Trick Slappin” Hickey. Ricky don’t look like he f**k around either. :9

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