Status Updates From Idiots

July 27, 2010

I Heart Movies Too!

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 8:45 am

Shelbi ********** – “My amazing man + great movies= a great relaxing weekend & healing time.”

– Shelbi, you just dropped some serious deja vu on my ass. My girlfriend and I just had a delightful weekend of watching movies, eating popcorn and acting out our favorite scenes (which is always fun foreplay.) Our favorite movie by far was this art house film called The Human Centipede.

It’s a heartbreaking tale about a lonely German Doctor finding true love with two girls and one Chinese dude. His love was so great that he stopped at nothing to show them a sexy good time. One day (while he was nursing the bitchy patients back to health in his basement, in the middle of the woods, in the middle of Germany) the good Doctor unveiled his passion project to the gang. His mission was to show them an ultra sexy good time by: lining them up on all fours, sowing their mouths to each others buttholes, and connect everybody via their gastric systems. My lips are sealed as to what happens next (hint: it’s the SEXY must see event of the year with Oscar bait written all over it. You heard it here first.)

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Your Cheekbones Ran Away

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , , , , , — youneed2stop @ 6:50 am

Katie ******* – “I used to have cheekbones…where did you go!!!”

– My guess is that they’re stuck somewhere underneath the (BK Fish sandwich, little smokies, pepperoni, Dunk em’s, Easy Cheese, Cookie Crisp, stick of butter, Pig’s feet, pound cake, Awesome Blossom, Alfredo sauce (no noodles), Chili’s Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with vanilla ice cream, Doritos Buffalo wing/Ranch hybrid, sack of sugar, and bag of chocolate covered gummy Jolly Ranchers) ungodly amount of lard you inject in your cheeks.

July 14, 2010

I Threw Up on My Computer… Again

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — youneed2stop @ 5:43 pm

Danielle ****** “Ok, so now my knee is putting out this yellow-y goo….and I’m told it’s the start of the healing process. Why does this seem wrong to me?”

AIDS!

— Cause you’re an idiot.  This is just plain gross.  I don’t even know you and I want to throw hydrogen peroxide all over your leg.  I mean come on.  Mel Gibson would rant on you like he does the blacks and Jews, but since he’s not here, I will.  When you thought ‘hey you know what, I’m gonna post a picture of my leg bloody and AIDS like on Facebook’ what did you think the response would be? Keep pictures to loved ones, vega$$$, roomies and besties, please don’t start an album entitled bloody wounds and healing puss.  I’m gonna go puke now.

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