Status Updates From Idiots

June 29, 2010

The Answer is YES!

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 11:56 pm

Leslie H********* — “Should I take a hint when my bf starts suggesting that we start working out and eating better??? Ha ha like he’s dating a fat kid and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings so suggests we do it “together” LOL”

–I used to suggest to my girlfriend that we have sex in hotter places, or that she turn up the heat in her place to sauna levels so that she could sweat all night.  Then I would always ask her to race me to my car or I would ask her to get something from the kitchen and then tell her I’d time her.  It’s also normal for your boyfriend to suggest you stop double fisting McDonald’s cheeseburgers at 2am, drinking whole milk white russians at a bar, eating pancakes more than 4 times a week and eating all the cookie dough before you actually bake a cookie… fatty.

June 28, 2010

Lip Augpmemtation

Filed under: comedy, Really? — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 5:33 am

Damon ******* – “DO MOT HAVE LIP AUGPMEMTATION! For fear that you will end up having lips so large that you will be be man or woman who is forced to always breath out of their mouths. Elevataorsmwill turn to gas chambers. that constant sluh, sluh,sluh,sluhm = from the halotosis mouth i the back seat will eventually overcome the care with teh rotted, putrid smell of fermented teeth!!!!! Watch out for theopen mouth sleeper”

– Either this is a riddle or Damon here has been dipping his hand in the oxycontin jar. I hope this is a riddle, because I really don’t have the time or patience to introduce another friend to McGruff the drug dog. Last time McGruff beat the shit out of my gas huffing friend Stephen with a tire iron. Point being that Damon and his gayness are officially more annoying than that shirtless pig faced guy from the Twilight movies.

June 16, 2010

Vito and the ESC Button

Filed under: comedy — Tags: — youneed2stop @ 5:48 pm

Vito ******* –  “My new motto is inspired from the esc key on my computer keyboard. Energy, Swagger, and Confidence. That is what I will exude on stage.”

– That’s funny, because my new motto was inspired by the delete key on my typing board: Dumb Elephants Like Eating Tigers Early. I know it sounds stupid, but when I was younger I was super fat and ate 8 bowls of Frosted Flakes early in the morning. I sometimes look at the delete key and cry……. nah I’m just f*ckin’ with ya. I’m not that big of a doucher. Vito, the “esc” key may be your new motto, but the “alt” key (ass licking turd) best describes your love for pointless updates.

June 9, 2010

Relationshit Advice

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 6:51 am

Keith ********** – “I just cant do anything right any more. Got some serious thinking to do.”

Comment –

– Liz – “yea you have some serious thinkn about moving on…b/c you sure as hell aint gettn me back..have a great life!”

– Keith – “Liz u told me b4 u dnt want me. Ur mad bc i have pics with another girl. If u dnt want me why do u still call me?”

– Liz – “haha thats right make yourself look good..like always..well none of it will happen nemore thats for sure!”

– Keith – “I aint making my self look good nobody. U love me. Just be with me. Geez!”

— Keith, I know Liz is mad at ya for taking pictures with people and we all know you want her back, so here’s what I’ve come up with…………. I’m sorry this is f*cking stupid. This update/relationship comversation you two are having is making me madder than Jet Li, whenever Jet Li gets mad. I haven’t been this angry since the great Eggo waffle drought of ’09. Liz, if you two megatards decide to get back together, do us all and get your tubes tied. The world isn’t ready for the illiterate creature awaiting to hatch inside that troll gut of yours. Not sure we can take it “nemore”.

June 2, 2010

Smart Son; Smrtr Mom

Filed under: comedy — youneed2stop @ 6:20 am

Jenny ****** – “My son took his 4th grade SOL in Math 2day. He scored the Highest Possible 600. Im so proud and startn 2 wander f he was switched at the hospital” 😉

– That’s gr8 bout ur son Jenny. There’s that saying: “A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.” I’d like 2 thnk parents play a big role n their child’s edukation. U seem 2 b doing a gud job at being both parent and teachair. However, I noticed u didn’t say in-e-thing bout his English scores. :9

– Oh, and yes your kid was switched at birth. Your real baby is probably eating trash somewhere.

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