Status Updates From Idiots

May 25, 2010

Hittin’ Up Da Club In Nordstroms

Filed under: comedy, Really? — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 6:01 am

Antoinette ***** – “There’s a dj at nordstroms!!! Loving it!!”

– This update has got to be a joke, cause nobody in the history of everything, should ever be impressed by a DJ in Nordstroms. But then again Anoinette seems like the kind of gal who has an attention span of a gnat buzzing around a 7-11 dumpster filled with shitty parking lot diapers. Twenty bucks and a chocolate frosty says that when the DJ played Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”,(keep in mind she’s in F*CKING NORDSTROMS) Antoinette felt the need to tell people how this song inspired her to be a strong single woman. That is until she realizes being alone/single sucks and ends up walking off into the wilderness to never be heard from again. That sounds about right. Right?

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May 24, 2010

Jeni Sounds Fun!

Filed under: comedy — youneed2stop @ 4:27 am

Jeni ******** – “long day of cleaning,laundry and shopping! feels good to have the house clean and
stocked! now time to relax,got baby Rome asleep on me so i guess i dont have much choice! Ha!” 🙂

– Wowsers….. someone had a big day of being normal. I wonder what’s on the agenda for tomorrow: “drive the car in traffic, drink a glass of water, walk on the sidewalk. Ha!”And I bet you think you’re so cool because you named your baby Rome. Well you’re not…. in fact your gay-ily planner update is about as boring as a wooden board. I suggest you take a class in “If you don’t have anything cool to say, then shut your pie hole”.

May 19, 2010

A Real Love Tongue Twister!

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 6:11 pm

Lindsay G********** “You can’t always think with your heart. Your heart knows no wrong and will love through the pain. When your heart feels that pain, is when you have to be smart enough to think with your head, and be strong enough to leave with your heart in one piece.”

–I am so utterly confused.  I’ve read this about 6 times and each time I get angrier and angrier.  It’s not because I’m confused by what this dribble means, I’m angry because I keep reading it hoping that my hand can reach through my computer and slap you in the face for posting this.  Listen Lindsay, you’re not Walt Whitman nor are you the head writer for the Hallmark channel both of whom are extremely lame… the only time Walt Whitman was ever cool was when he was referenced in the Notebook.  I’m so mad right now…

May 18, 2010

Someone’s Retardly Excited

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 6:08 am

Casandra ******* – “david beckem is in my salon right now!!!!! ahhhhhhh im freaking out!!!!”

– I have no idea why people go ape shit over David Beckem. The guy moved from England to the US to play soccer. SOCCER! And why not? America loves soccer as much as Victoria Beckem loves the new KFC Double Down. Apparently, in order to be worshiped you have to marry someone who looks like Mumm-Ra and make ignorant career choices. Casandra, this obviously speaks volumes about your intelligence and the kind of people you look up to. I’m just wondering how embarrassed you were when he walked into the Cut ‘n Corral and saw you standing there in a cowgirl outfit and hair dryer hanging in your gun holster.

May 9, 2010

Yeah…. This Didn’t Happen

Filed under: comedy, Please Stop Talking — Tags: , — youneed2stop @ 11:22 pm

Judalina – “Spent the evening waiting on/drinking with, some agents at UTA + a comedy central showrunner + a writer/director. Life is weird.”

– Let’s be honest here “waiting on/drinking with” are not the same thing. In fact they’re so opposite that even Wrong Shoe Timmy, who always puts his shoes on the wrong foot, knew the difference between being a waitress and hanging out. Wrong Shoe told me that he’s seen waitresses like this being pig roasted (by important Executives) over open fryer’s and urineals, back when he was a fumbling cook. Wrong Shoe Timmy then put a left red sneaker on his right foot and walked away. I guess life is weird…. when you try to make yourself seem more important than you really are.

May 7, 2010

Be Proud!

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 6:35 pm

Jenna N*** T********** “17 days sober” 🙂

–I don’t know if this is something I would really go out and tell everyone.  That is unless you won a bet or you had to go 17 days without drinking so you could go to Outback Steakhouse for a celebration dinner.  But if it’s just being sober for 17 days that’s the success I would keep working.  Keep your ‘number’ to yourself like my slutty ex-girlfriend and tell us when you’ve done something a little more revolutionary like learning how to river dance or read minds.

May 5, 2010

Butt-Mopping

Filed under: Please Stop Talking — youneed2stop @ 6:33 am

Maria ***** – “I’m surrounded by some pretty talented and amazing artist! I AM SO BLESSED.”

– People who wear tan corduroy pants, maroon Members Only jackets, and black rimmed glasses are the biggest jackoffs in the world; not “artists”. They’re the dickwads who constantly remind us of how funny or artistic they think they are and then shove some shit in our faces and expect us to tell them it’s gold. They’re annoying as f*ck, suck at life, and should be working the front desk of a Roto Rooter. P.S. there’s a reason nobody goes to your Shows; it’s because your “art” stinks like a bums taint.

– Now to the person who feels “BLESSED” to be around these worldly majestic beings: M’am, I can tell you’re about as bright as an ash tray for believing their horse shit lies, so it wouldn’t surprise me if your part time job was butt-mopping Cheetah’s Gentlemen’s Club at 6:00 AM.

May 3, 2010

Am-bitch-ion

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , , , — youneed2stop @ 5:37 am

Suwasit ********* – “Ambition: Aspire to climb as high as you can DREAM. I dare to DREAM.”

-Suggestion: Someone who steals quotes from inspirational mountain climbing posters they saw in 10th grade Homeroom should immediately change their status to “Dumf*ck: Someone that’s just dumb as f*ck.” Suggestion 2: Change your name so it doesn’t sound like Swastika. People will think you’re a Nazi (especially Jewish people).

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