Status Updates From Idiots

March 31, 2010

She’s Not Shy

Filed under: Really? — Tags: , — youneed2stop @ 9:59 pm

Afentra ********* – “Just put my kids Desitin on my anus.”

– I blame all the Facebook updaters for this one. If it wasn’t for you and your gay-ass updates then Afentra wouldn’t have posted a status that paints a picture of her infected starfish. However, Afentra could also be one of those f**ktard’s who huffs canisters of Dust-Off and plays greasy finger games with her bum; all while her kid sits at the kitchen table, holding fork and knife, with an empty plate in front of him. Oh Afentra! You never had a chance did you?


Mo Money No Problems…

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 6:13 pm

Kristin ************ “Now I remember why I always used to have less, because the more you have the more trouble it is to carry with you.”

–The only time this is a problem is if you’re a vagabond and have to move all the time OR you can’t afford a moving company and have to ask your friends to help you move and they don’t want to because you have a giant collection of crystal animals OR the shopping cart at the grocery store is too full then in that case then, YES less is better.  But I really want you to tell your parents this when they ask you why you live in an apartment above a Subway with one room, a bed on the floor and a mouse as a pet.  Biggie Smalls said Mo Money Mo Problems, but that’s because he was in an East Coast VS. West Coast rap feud where people were wielding automatic weapons and shooting them at him.

March 24, 2010

How Does This Guy Have Friends?

Filed under: You think we care? — Tags: , — youneed2stop @ 6:15 pm

Damon ****** – “Save me!!!! Can somebody save me?”


-Ken ***** “same problem or new one?”

-Damon ****** – “< I’m not sure I know what you totally are hitting on but I’m D and A free at the moment. I’m just early 30’s and I’ve had a lot of relationships. But I’m not in a relationship, no kids, no reason to live. Really sad all the time. I hook up when I need to but I don’t trust no females. Is life passing me by?”

-Damon ****** ‘I try to smile but I need to snow board and sk8 to make me happy and I can’t do that in this town”

Damon, in response to your comment above I believe Ken is “hitting on” the fact that you’re a big bitch. Apparently, you’re one of these dickwads who thinks his Facebook friends are going to help SAVE YOU from despair and crippling depression. Did it ever occur to you that Ken nor anybody else gives a shit? I guess not, cause you kept asking faggy questions like “Is life passing me by?”, and continued writing like a beaten monkey by adding numbers to the word “skate” . You’re a lot like a horse queef Damon, loud, embarrassing, and nobody wants to be around when you start flapping your mangina.

March 22, 2010

His Name Is Goof-y

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 6:08 pm

Goof  ***** – “is confused with everything and wishes things would be better…….but somehow i always wake up with that PERFECT SMILE THAT BRIGHTENS MY DAY” 🙂 🙂 :).

I know exactly what you mean, Goof……….. oh shit! Are you flippin’ serious? Your parents named you after a Disney character? Damn, I’m really sorry man. I guess I’d be confused too if I was named after a dip-shit who acted like a mentally challenged person on a 24-7 acid trip. But then again your status is on par with Goofy’s personality. Conclusion: the only possible explanation is a goofy dog impregnated your mom and then ran off. :9

March 18, 2010

Cause You Can Get Fat?

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 6:51 pm

Aimee ******** “Loves yoga pants.”

— The reason people do yoga is because it’s the laziest form of physical activity.  It’s just stretching and breathing.  Last time I looked that was called living.  Girls will always say, “But, like, there’s Yoga where, like, the room is really hot.”  Yeah it’s called a sauna.  Fat people call that exercise too.  Yoga pants just further the thought that you can let your ass get bigger and bigger and nobody really notices until you put on jeans and they don’t fit.  Yoga pants are the official outfits of Krispy Kreme, iHOP and Hometown Buffet.  SUFI — “HATES YOGA PANTS.”

March 16, 2010

When Life Gets Sad

Filed under: You think we care? — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 6:20 pm

Antoinette ****** – “Drink all day, play all night! Let’s get it poppin – I’m in LA trick!! …. But only for like 2 hours” 😦

– When you get down and no ones around, Life Gets Sad. When you fill a bucket with tears and people laugh and jeer, Life Gets Sad. When you walk alone and nobody’s home but a bottle of cologne, Life Gets Sad. When you inform your friends that you’re back in town and have what sounds like a 2 hour spring break at the California Pizza Kitchen in terminal 3 of LAX, then Life Gets Suicidally Sad. :9

March 9, 2010

Toys For Tots

Filed under: comedy — youneed2stop @ 7:45 pm

Shelbi ******* – “Omg!!! My daughter just opened up one of my tampons and claims it is a fantastic pink princess present. She says she loves it so much and it is beautiful!!!!”

– Better yet give her a bloody one and tell her it’s the fire breathing dragon that kidnaps the pink princess. Oh…. or let her make a few mythical balloon creatures out of daddy’s mango flavored condom’s. Some other responsible ‘toys’ that she might like are: Wizard’s rope (butt beads), Magical pecker rings, Gandalf’s sparklers (booby tassels), and the ever so popular game Bedazzle Prince Charming (Vibrator, the Bedazzler, fake mustache/hair, clothes, puffy paint). OMG!!!! Sounds like fun!!!!!!!!

March 4, 2010

Parents Are Smart

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 10:30 pm

Carly ****** – “You get respect when you give it. My parents are relentless in telling me how much of a f-up I am and I’ve had it. How are you suppossed to respect parents that don’t respect you?!?!”

– It sounds like your parents are an awful lot like Simon Cowell and you’re one of those delusional chicks who thinks she’s going to be the next lead singer of Danity Kane.  I suggest you refer to the 5th Commandment ‘honor your father and your mother’ and accept the fact that you f’ing suck. Also, after I finish this sentence I’m going to forward this update to your parents and encourage them to join Facebook, so they can drop some serious truth on your disrespectful ass.

March 3, 2010

Enough With the Status Obituaries!

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 7:33 pm

Sam ******** “Rest in Peace Aunt Mitzi…”

–Okay.  I don’t know your Aunt Mitzi, but I’m sure she was a lovely lady.  Unless your Aunt Mitzi was really young and she was on Facebook, I’m pretty sure she’d be pissed that you posted this on Facebook.  She’s probably up in heaven saying, “oh I miss you Sam, and I’m so glad all of your friends on Facebook know that I’m dead.  I can’t wait to read some of your other friends’ updates about eating sushi for dinner and going to see Avatar again… LOL”  So Aunt Mitzi I would like to apologize for your borderline Forest Gump retarded niece.  RIP.

March 2, 2010

That’s Craptastic

Filed under: Really? — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 6:52 pm

Summer ********** – “SO. On the way home from Disney, I smelled poop and envisioned Madilyn eating it so I pulled over and sure as $hiz, she’s got poop on her face and hands, eating it. Not kidding. She smiled at me as I gagged. I have “special” kids.”

– Question….. what the F*CK is wrong with you? Why would you do this? Did you drink a lot of malt liquor when you were pregnant? There’s absolutely no excuse for posting this horrific update that will most likely make every guy want to chop his nuts off with a butter knife and every girl convert to lesbianism. I always wondered who was responsible for birthing The Garbage Pail Kids and now I know.

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