Status Updates From Idiots

February 25, 2010

A Lesson in the English

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 8:12 pm

Stacey ************ “Well make sure you build your house brick by boring brick, or the wolves gonna blow it down”

–You could have said, “…the wolf is gonna blow it down.” or perhaps “…the wolves are gonna blow it down.” or my personal favorite which is more slang ebonics, “…the wolf’s gonna blow it down.”  Go… watch sesame street and learn to count to 12 with the lady bug picnic.

Whales are Pissed…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — youneed2stop @ 8:00 pm

Ashley *************** “That Killer whale did not go CRAZY..That killer whale just went Whale!”

–Ashley, Ashley, Ashley… Don’t make jokes or try to create a saying.  I’m guessing you tried to compare it to going postal?  Yeah, it’s not funny.  Wasn’t funny then and isn’t funny now, and I hope Free Willy comes over to your house dressed as a pizza delivery guy and gives you a swift punch to the nose… I mean what the hell does going whale mean?  I’m not only embarrassed for you, I’m a little sad that after all the advances in whale civil rights, you find it necessary to belittle this whale that had obvious reasons to eat the trainer.

Someone Die? Smile?

Filed under: Shut Up — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 5:22 pm

Maria ***** – “Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it’s breaking, when there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow you will find that life is still worth while. If you just SMILE 😉 …”

– I have no idea if this is a song, quote, or some lame early morning ramble, but I feel like we need to call bullshit on this one. The only way I see this goofy-ass update holding any kind of truth is if Mr./Mrs. Heartache was hooked up to a morphine drip, while cruising around the Kingdom of Caring in a Cloud Car, bumping Foghat, while Share Bear gives them a sexy PJ (Paw Job). In other words this update is an insult to anybody who breathes. ;9 (Sorry folks they don’t make hair-lipped winky faces)

February 24, 2010

The Slap Test

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 7:15 pm

Lindsay ********** Wow what a niight hung out at 2 bev hillls mansions 1 Britney Spears producer lol”
Oh lord

–Okay first let me describe the slap test.  It’s not too complicated.  If you read something or hear something someone says and you honestly have to 100% restrain yourself from slapping them so they learn never to open their yappers again, then they’ve failed the slap test.  I wanted to punch this girls status update in the face.  First, notice she used only one set of quotation marks.  Not sure if that is a new use of the english language, but I think it shows early signs of mental retardation.  Second, if you have to use LOL at the end of a sentence it’s not funny!  F.  Third, am I missing something?  Is there supposed to be an ‘AND’ somewhere in there?  Does Britney Spears have producers?  How do you spell night?  I’m angry and confused…

February 23, 2010

Lots Of Cute Ideas

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 6:40 pm

Vito ******** – “What’s funny is if I had a girl I’d probably be like, “stupid hallmark holiday, what the heck am I gonna get her!?” but since I don’t I’m all like, ” Man, if I had a girl right now she’d be so spoiled, I have all these cute ideas.” ~~~My father once told me, “V, the grass onna the other side…thatsa the greeny one.”~…~~ He’s right.”

– What’s even funnier is your dad hinting around the idea that you should turn gay, which means he’s given up on you. Besides, bitches ain’t gonna be messin’ round with some dude who has “cute ideas”. Side note: please refer back to your 3rd grade notes on how to properly use quotation marks. Putting symbols and dots in your sentences just because you think they look smart doesn’t make you smart. I have more respect for a neanderthal who tries to play fetch with a rock than the nonsense you posted.

February 19, 2010

That’s Life

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 8:49 am

Kimberly ******* – “is delighted with my life right now….it just gets better every day” 🙂

– That is until you go to the bathroom one morning and start pissing sparks . Smash cut to the doctor telling you that you’ve contracted a crossbreeding virus of gonorrhea, herpes, with a hint of chlamydia. Followed by a montage of: you coming home to find your cat eating your girlfriend’s fish. The cat gets spooked and jumps out an open window only to get hit by a Toyota upon landing. Skip work cause you’re devastated. You’re fired. Girlfriend leaves you. You’re evicted from your apartment and now living in the basement of a library posting status updates to an unnecessary blog about status updates. :9

February 17, 2010

The Reason We Do This…

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 6:50 pm

Eric *********** “Another Holiday and another lost loved one my grndmother died on Valentines Day”

–We really do feel bad about your grandmother and aren’t being irreverent at all, but really?  Did you update your status with a morbid attempt at honoring your Grandma on Facebook and misspell her name?  I’m  sure she was psyched to have you as a grandson and was so proud at your remedial school graduation.  Go back to the ‘special’ class.

The “Dear” Updates Have Got To Go

Filed under: Really? — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 5:01 pm

Kahla *********** – “Dear Starbucks: I’m pretty sure you forgot the caffeine in my triple venti mocha. But I forgive you….see you tomorrow!” 😀

– Dear People who write letters on their status updates, you’re about as lame as your parents for having you. There should be a law against stupid shit like this and if found guilty sentenced to an underwater submarine prison for a maximum of 5 years.  All the guards would walk around in orange jumpsuits carrying spear guns and the prison would be run by this guy: Warden Ricky “The Trick Slappin” Hickey. Ricky don’t look like he f**k around either. :9

February 16, 2010

Chubby Talk

Filed under: Please Stop Talking — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 6:32 am

Summer ***********  – “hubby took her shopping for fat girl clothes today. Just one pair of pants to last me until I’m back in my smaller sizes. The maternity ones are getting too big. I guess that’s a good thing since I’m not pregnant anymore……”

– Listen Ladies, updating your status about being fat is getting crazy old. You don’t hear Snooky from the Jeresy Shore or Mexican Ms. Pacman bitch about how fat they feel after eating a shit load of noodles and burritos (and they’re chubby gals). And my Gawd your poor hubby who has to sit there and listen to you cry about being fat, while using your pregnancy as an excuse for blowing up like a f**king air baloon. You kicked sexy out the door when you decided to be a Mom, so start acting like one tubby.

February 12, 2010

Orange You Glad I Ate a Banana?

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 12:48 am

Leslie ***** ********* “I am SO confused, someone help me out here: Alee peeled a regular orange and the entire inside of it is PURPLE!! I have never in my life seen a purple orange! Is it safe to eat?”

–Well I’m sure the poison control has a fan page on Facebook so you may want to send them a message just in case it’s not on your speed dial.  Usually when I peel an orange and it’s ANYTHING BUT ORANGE, you usually throw it away, but yet, as the great mother that you apparently are (who spells the name Alee like that?!) you went straight to Facebook to find out if you were in fact poisoning your child.  Caution: Just because they can fit, don’t put your baby in a microwave!

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