Status Updates From Idiots

January 27, 2010

I Wish You Lived in the 1400’s!

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 7:53 pm

Brenda ************ “On a round planet, there’s no choosing up sides” One Love ♥

–I can remember sitting in social studies class in 5th grade and saying, “Back in the 1400’s everyone thought the world was flat.  People who disagreed were burned at the stake or had their feet chopped off.” I don’t want to chop off your feet, but I wish the world were flat so you would shut up and stop pushing your Prozac infused propaganda…  ONE LOVE (HEART).

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Miami+Sluts=Awkward

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , — youneed2stop @ 7:29 pm

Tori ******** “8 days and counting until Miami and the superbowl! God I can’t wait for warm weather w some crazy chicas! All I have to say is partying in the ESPN tent, yaht excursions – yeah we have some ridiculousness planned!”

–Ridiculousness as in: ending up getting the guys from GGW to make you take off your shirt, then someone how convince you to well… we know what happens on ‘yahts’ in Miami.  Oh oh oh… and the ESPN tent charges $10 for beers unless you take off your shirt, which obviously after they give you some Superbowl beads will still be $10.  If you take it off for GGW, you’ll live on forever.  It’s up to you to make the smart decision.  GOOD LUCK!

Losing Weight Is The Coolest!

Filed under: Really? — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 5:08 pm

Jackie ******* –  “I found a really great calorie counting website yesterday and today I can’t find it! Anybody know of any free and helpful calorie counting websites I should try??”

– I found a great 3 month plan that’ll keep you from being such a fat ass.  I’m 3 weeks in and have already lost 40lbs. Start the day off by drinking a bottle of water and a nice stroll around the block, midway through the stroll gag yourself and puke all over the sidewalk. Repeat this process 5 times a day. For lunch/dinner eat 3 goldfish crackers followed by a large glass of liquid Ex Lax. After you defecate, puke one more time cause ya never know. Then sit back and enjoy the life of a beautiful person.

January 26, 2010

The Morning After Update

Filed under: Shut Up — Tags: , , , , , — youneed2stop @ 7:01 am

Tommy ******** –  “Sweet. Drunk Me left Sober Me a Gatorade next to the bed. Love that guy. Teamwork!”

– Ten dollars and a 7-11 hotdog says this guy looks like Otis from The Andy Griffith Show. What a coincidence I too like updating my status the VERY next morning after drinking (mainly to tell all my friends that I’m a charming bad boy that likes breaking the rules) “LOL… Still drunk off drinking alcohol. I was party animal last night! A girl smiled at me… I think she’s the 1” Granted mine aren’t knee slappers like Tommy’s, but with enough hangovers I’m sure I’ll get there.

January 25, 2010

We Get It… You’re Gay

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 4:43 am

Jamie ********* –  “Just fixed my air purifier.im such a lesbian.lmao.word of the day lesbionic.loving life.”

– I always thought lesbians either chopped trees down in the forest or arm wrestled for cash in Vegas. I had no idea they’ve become domesticated with air purifier’s and shit. P.S. –  It’s not 1854; nobody gives a damn whether you’re a clam bumper or not.

January 22, 2010

Ian and the Beast

Filed under: Please Stop Talking — Tags: — youneed2stop @ 6:29 am

Ian *********** – is “I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren’t certain we knew better.  They fight for honor at the first challenge, make love with no moral restraint, and they do not for all their marvelous instincts”

– This is the point where one of your buddies asks you if you’ve ever done the hibbity jibbity with a dog before. And of course you awkwardly laugh it off with a “lol. gross”…. until, your buddy gets you hammered one night and you mumble “kjasfjslfjdesres……. DOG…. asdkfjsafjwef…. TONGUE….. woervsaiwoiurhnfaf…. PEANUT BUTTER….. asfhwueinvjsiaf…..NUT SACK awwwwwwww feels so good man.”

January 20, 2010

Jailhouse Rock!

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 7:54 pm

Shay **** ********* ” just got out of jail……glad to be out”

–Not sure if shay is a lady or a man, but either way, we’re just so glad you’re out of prison.  We’re also hoping you have some children because people like you need to procreate.  Good luck I hear the DMV is hiring.

Adventures Of A White Guy

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 1:42 am

Shane ********** – “Life’s current adventure: In-N-Out Hamburger stop in Kettleman City, CA! I heart adventures…”

– I’m sure Indiana Jones would be super proud. You sound like a guy who wears turtleneck’s underneath his sweaters. You know a real go-getter. If that’s the case then I bet you’ll heart an adventure in the “You’re A Pussy” aisle of JC Penney. Tell us something interesting next time, assclown.

January 19, 2010

Yes Melody Can!

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 12:56 am

Melody ******** – “WaT iS tHiS fEeLiNg? I nOe It CaN’t B dAt I LiKe U cAuSe I DONT. BuT wHeNeVeR uR wIt MeH i ThInK i C tHe SaMe FeElInG iN uR eYeS aNd ItS a WoNdErFuL fEeLiNg” 😉

– Melody, I think it’s about time you seriously consider pulling a Billy Madison and get your ass back to the 1st grade. Yes, you might have to share a class with your kid. And yes even the LD students might pick on you.  But I have a feeling that when it’s all said and done you’ll be slightly less of a f*cktard than any of the flamboyantly “heterosexual men” on The Jersey Shore.

January 14, 2010

Good Grief

Filed under: You think we care? — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 8:37 pm

Damon ******** – “Working, again and making great $$$$$. I like everyone I work with and we all get along really well. Yet, something seems missing. Life is much better when you have someone to share your success with. Someone who appreciates you and truly loves you unconditionally with all her heart. Is his still possible???”

– Anybody ever wonder what Charlie Brown would be like when he’s older? You know post Snoopy? I picture Damon a lot like Charlie…. mustache, bald, personality of a floppy boner, bought a cat and named it Loopy, and just recently discovered how to update his status like a 40 year old virgin.

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