Status Updates From Idiots

November 25, 2009

Drunk With Turtles

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 5:20 pm

Curtis ********* – is “Drunk on the beach trying to ride sea turtles.”

– I don’t think there’s much of a joke to be had here. Yes… you’re an Idiot for messing around with prehistoric creatures that could snap your skull into two soup bowls; on the flip side this is one of the best updates I’ve ever read. Curtis, your next update needs to involve: drunk in the jungle, arm wrestling, and a gorilla.

November 24, 2009

Hump Day

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 5:52 am

Lauren ****** – “Happy mid-week sexual euphemism day!”

–  Since when did Wednesday become the day of sex? Did I miss the memo? I’m more of a Monday afternoon man myself…. Ohhh wait a minute…. hold the phone right there….. You’re talking about “Hump Day”, cause that’s what two people do when they have sex, they “hump”. And here I was thinking that there’s a secret sex day everybody knew about except me. Lauren your Wit went right over my head, bravo!  I bet you also came up with”Sunday Funday” too. Genius and not at all annoying.

November 23, 2009

I Hope A Whale Eats You

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — youneed2stop @ 5:16 pm

Amalie ******** – is “watching whale wars… why does it hurt in my heart soo terribly. maybe because my favorite moments are out in the waters of alaska watching whales, maybe because they are so docile and amazing, maybe i try and join the sea shepard crew” 🙂

– is posting updates from Idiots… why does it hurt in my head soo terribly that I know people like you exist. How dare you… these fishermen risk their lives, stabbing whales with harpoons, just so they can feed their families and make an honest living. Not to mention there’s a major shortage of whale meat and ribs here in the US. I bet you also have a problem with Michael Vick’s doggie gladiator rings too…. don’t ya? Stupid PETA. Just wait until you get attacked by a whale, then tell me how your heart feels. :9


November 20, 2009

You’re Never Going To Believe This…..

Filed under: Please Stop Talking — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 6:23 pm

Kahla *********** – is “OH HEY!! guess what i heard this morning! a guy is opening TWO yogurt places in Alpine AND they are going to be the “weigh it at the end” ones, yummmmm can’t wait! i may even trade my Starbucks habit in for a yogurt habit!” :q

– I haven’t the slightest… what did you hear? Yogurt in Alpine? NO F**KING WAY! OMG!!!! YUMMMMM!!!! I can finally stop buying that shit from the Trench Coat Guy who lurks around the Kmart parking lot. Thank you Kahla! Not only are your conversation skills with NOBODY impressive, but your enthusiasm over a Yogurt stand is truly the gayest thing I’ve ever read. :9

November 18, 2009

You’re Perfectly Normal……

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 10:59 pm

Lv ********* – “fearless is getting back up & fighting for what you want over and over again…… fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’…t..breathe without them. i think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is fearless”

–  Nah….. you’re not bum shit crazy . Your definition of fearless is perfectly sane. Like that super fearless girl (Paula Goodspeed) who stalked that gargoyle lady (Paula Abdul) for months. Two fearless warriors who’ve stopped at nothing to get what they want. One went to heaven with a belly full of Oxycontin and the other is expected to be there soon enough. I too think crying on the bathroom floor, while drinking drano from a mug with the picture of my ex-girlfriend holding our puppy on it, is also fearless.

November 17, 2009

Navy SEAL Benefit?

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 6:22 pm

Lindsay ************** “Anyone want to go to a Navy SEAL fundraiser at Dicks Last Resort on Thursday?”

— Wait a second aren’t SEALS supposed to be secret operatives?  Who would have a fundraiser for a group of guys who do not exist?  Now supposing they do have this fundraiser, is it really a good idea to have it a place called Dicks Last Resort?  I mean I could see Dicks Last Resort as a place where you go if you haven’t gotten laid your whole life, but for a Navy SEAL!?  Come on… I don’t even need to make a funny joke about Navy SEALS getting laid on this.  I mean seriorusly, I’m confused.

November 16, 2009

Lameship

Filed under: comedy — Tags: — youneed2stop @ 7:43 pm

Tammy ******* – “Friendship isn’t a big thing – it’s a million little things…”

– Looks like another nugget of wisdom from the friendship guru. How is this an update?  Ask us a fun question next time like “How many teeth does a raccoon have?” or “Why do taxi drivers always smell like the inside of a school bus?”. Otherwise, your update about friendship and things is about as stupid as watching those Gawd awful Jared ring commercials.

November 13, 2009

Want Some Brat-Worst?

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 2:24 am

Kristin ************* “this rain is the WORST!!!”

— I know it is the worst!  Oh shut up!  No you shut up!  Are you serial?  Totally serial!  Oh just shut up!  LOL!  Why are we fighting again?  The rain silly, it’s the worst!  Stupid rain!

– Ohhhhhh nooooo it’s RAIN! The stuff that gives life to everything on the planet.

November 12, 2009

God Likes Me! Not You.

Filed under: Really? — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 7:43 am

Ian ******** – is “Listen to me! You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen.”

– No…. God doesn’t like people who steal quotes from Fight Club and try to pawn them off as their own. What I don’t get is if God didn’t like you then why didn’t he make you into a bug or a snail of some sorts. That’s what I would do to somebody I hated. Zap ’em into a snail, watch them snail around for a minute or two, then salt the shit out of it. But, I digress….. I personally don’t have a problem with you stealing this quote, mainly because I can tell you don’t have any friends and you’re about as cool as an old Motel 6 mattress. My advice to you would be to get a cat, maybe it’ll purrrr around you.

November 10, 2009

Update Faux Pas

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 6:14 am

Summer ********* – is “got a milky smile while nursing this afternoon. i’ve been waiting for one of those! now off to the farmer’s market with the kids”

– I just threw up a little bit of lobster in my mouth, no smile though. Why did you feel the need to tell us about your titty milk? I get it, being a Mom is great, but you’ve somehow taken a beautiful moment and “brokebacked”  it in the butt with a chainsaw.  I can already tell your kids are going to be alcoholics when they’re older. Now, off to the farmer’s market to make fun of you in public.

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