Status Updates From Idiots

September 29, 2009

Following A Dipshit

Filed under: Really? — youneed2stop @ 9:30 pm

Mike ******** – “Is it ever wrong to follow your heart?”

– What’s with people constantly talking about their hearts? As if they know what the f*** a heart does. Next time you’re having drinks with a friend I dare you to ask them if it’s ever wrong to follow your heart, see if you don’t feel like a jackass. Mike, why don’t you go follow your heart into a hungry lions den.

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Stop Quoting Songs…

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 7:52 pm

Julia ********* “i’m better off without you, more than you, more than you know, i’m slowly gettin closure, i guess its really over, i’m finally gettin better…the day i thought id never get through, i got over you :)”

— I’m guessing this is a song.  Not sure… it seems like a song, probably a song right, gotta be a song?  I mean nobody can be this lame unless they’re singing? 🙂

Punctuation Idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 7:37 pm

Mary *********will have a new puppy in october!!!!!!!!!!!!! yaaayyyyyy!!!!!”

–Let me ask you a serious question, can I?  Thanks.  HOW EXCITED ARE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’M SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!  I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT I CAN HOLD THE EXCLAMATION POINT COMPUTER KEY FOR 20 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 25, 2009

WWJW?

Filed under: Really? — Tags: , , — youneed2stop @ 6:27 am

Jenny ******** – is “The movies was fun but 4 32 dollars I think waitn till u can rent the movie and nt hv my haney go numb nt 2 mention all the popcorn we want 4 1.99 is a better deal it had been 2 yrs since I had gone 2 the movies dnt mind f I never go again”

– At what point in your adult life did you think it was ok to write this dripple (yes “dripple” is a real word look it up)? I totally get it…. going to the movies can be very expensive, but so are drugs, blow jobs, and powerbars. But what befuddles me the most is why I had to read your post a total of five times in order to understand what the F*** you just regurgitated.  Next time you post something ask yourself this question “WWJW: What Would Jesus Write?”, cause I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t write like a mentally challenged 1st grader. Also, what’s a haney? Is it a sock?

September 24, 2009

Waitin’ On A Sunny Day

Filed under: comedy — Tags: , , , , , , — youneed2stop @ 9:49 pm

Ken *********** – “Through all of the tough times in life… no matter how bad it feels… no matter how much it hurts… the storm will pass and the sun will shine again.”

– I remember the day when I was captured by a pack of Viet Cong’s. They put me in a torture camp where I was feed pubes from a jungle bums ass, horse hoofs, and pig pee mixed with tepid Dr. Pepper.  When I was finally released, 17 years later, I was the happiest man on the planet, even though my left arm and right leg had to be amputated due to the Gangrene caused by pig bites.  I didn’t care…. I was free and on my way home to see my loving wife and kids.

Then I found out my loving wife filed for divorce several months after my capture. She ended up leaving Missouri to pursue her dream of becoming a boxer in Los Angeles. It turns out she was pretty good. She made it all the way to the top of the Welterweight division, until she tripped over a chair and broke her neck/spine. Shortly after she was killed in her hospital bed by Clint Eastwood. All of my kids ended up moving to Vietnam so they could be closer to me. I’ve tried to contact them several times….. only to discover that they are all married to some of the Viet Cong women responsible for pouring hot honey, fire ants, and bumble bees on my shaven genitalia. Not to mention the Viet Cong’s are very rude over the phone.

So Ken….. next time you want to post an update (which sounds more like a Skittles commerical than actual words of wisdom), ask yourself if you are truly doing anybody a favor by posting the obvious.

Self Realization, You’re Lame…

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 6:06 pm

Brenda ********* – “an older gentleman came up to me this morning offering a book and a warm smile. The book is called Science of Self-Realization with specific chapters on the practice of yoga and superconsciousness. I was just thinking about getting some new age reading material my trip… what a great way to start the weekend.”

— Let me give you some advice, when someone comes up offering a book and a warm smile, they’re either homeless, weird, a hippy looking for money, a terrorist, possibly a witch doctor and most suredly a gypsy.  Now when I was a kid, my Mom told me to fear gypsies, they would steal all your stuff and your soul.  Now that’s something for self realization, don’t read this book and never EVER talk to gypsies.  Happy Reading!

September 23, 2009

How to Piss People Off…

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 9:14 pm

Kristin *************** “is in need of recommendations of things to do/see in Loire Valley and Burgundy France. Please help!”

— Here’s a great way to piss people off.  Ask for advice on what to do/see in an exotic location.  Rub it in people’s faces that you are going to France, probably wine tasting, etc.  It’s like posting, “need things to do Fiji, anyone have any ideas?”  Yeah, I have one, shut the f*** up.  You’re in FIJI, go to the beach.  Here’s a recommendation on what to do in the Loire Valley, stay there.  I hope Germany invades France again while you’re there so we don’t have to read your Facebook posts.

I Need New Friends

Filed under: Shut Up — youneed2stop @ 7:35 pm

Lindsey ******* is “… one day i hope i meat the man of my dreams soon… or the one i love the most relizes what he is missing now”

–  I’m crossing my fingers for ya, cause nothing turns a guy on more than a girl who dreams about meat and has no idea how to spell. :9



September 22, 2009

Chicken Salad Recipes?

Filed under: Uncategorized — youneed2stop @ 6:45 pm

Stephanie *********** —I hope everyone is having a happy day! Does anyone have a good chicken salad recipe to share with me?”

–Here’s a good recipe for chicken salad.  Go to a cookbook, look up chicken salad, make it, and stop asking people on Facebook for recipe ideas.  Yesterday I thought to myself, holy jeez I would love to make a broccoli casserole, better get on Facebook!

WTF?

Filed under: Really? — Tags: , , , — youneed2stop @ 5:59 pm

Amy ******* – “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there”

– We at youneed2stop strive to bring you the best updates that these social networking sites have to offer. We even go as far as deciphering the idiocracy that most people post. However, every once in a while there’s some goomba out there who throws a cog in our machine and f**** us sideways with a monkey wrench. These trailblazing updaters’ usually hit one of the three corners of what I like to call “The Idiots Triangle”: attention/sympathy, inspiration, and intelligence.  It’s very rare that all three quadrants are hit, however, this girl has done the impossible. Not only has she hit all three corners, but she has somehow made up a fourth corner called “You make about as much sense as a juggling giraffe on rollerblades!”. If someone can tell me where this “field” may be and the point of writing this “deep” update, I would gladly give up this magical genie lamp that was given to me by a Centar warrior named Garry.

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