Michelle ****** – “Looks like baby Noah is on his way! Water just broke! Lord willing and everything goes okay I will be an aunt again today!!!!”

- Noah. Water. Lord. Sounds like somebody’s been brushing up on their Bible stories. It’s a shame she didn’t elaborate though – so many unanswered questions — head… is…. spinning. Like did baby Noah ride an Ark, or maybe a Huckleberry Finnish raft w/ Black Man in tow, out of his Momma’s vajaja? How did you hear about the “good news”? Did a white dove surprise you with the bloody umbilical cord? Will he live to be 950 years old too? Woah! Now I kinda want to have a Bible baby. First things first though — learn how to properly have sex.

Wilbur ******** – “why did i fall in love for just to end up feeling shitty like this” and 2 minutes later he posted this “wont answser her phone this is so damn messed up its not even funny”

- First of all, Wilbur, you fell in love because that’s what people do…. we fall in love. Now, the best remedy for a broken heart is to f*ck a tubby crack whore. As you’re humping her catchers mitt of a vagina you’ll realize “wait a minute…. I am cool. I can do better than this”. Secondly, your ex won’t answer your calls because at some point she realized she was dating a guy named after the Charlotte’s Web pig. I suggest you keep calling, stalking, and updating, she’ll come wind sprinting back to you in no time.

Plain Jane – “I just bought something I have wanted for a long period of time. I will get to use it sometime this week. Hopefully it’s pretty easy to use, super excited. It’s a good time to buy stuff. I am also Birthday/ Christmas shopping and lets just say It is really hard buying people stuff…You just never know if they will like it or not. It is very stressful! LOL”

- For those of you inquiring, no, this is not my 2nd grade sentence assignment. In fact this piece of Shakespearean literature comes to us from a modern day Lady on the go. So it’s only fitting that I share a poem I wrote for people like Jane. Granted, I wrote this back in the ’80′s for my busy-body Mom who always fancied her career over my love. So Jane you have to ask yourself “am I the woman in the poem?”

“I’m a woman of the 80′s I’m suppose to have it all…. To juggle twenty things at once and really have a ball! I’m supposed to be assertive and to stay in tip top shape, I’m supposed to have a great career and make the perfect crepe! I’m supposed to have a make-over to have a model’s looks, See all the latest movies and be up on current books. I’m a woman of the ’80′s, I’m supposed to be so free…. But all I REALLY want to be is absolutely ME!’

DrunkenStepFather – “COMMENT OF THE DAY CONTEST OF THE DAY: What’s better? A . raping a pregnant woman is not as bad as raping a non-pregnant chick, because the jury will always be thinking “She’s fucked already”. Or at least that is what I am hoping. OR B – julianne moore is so effin hot that if she had a yeast infestion i would eat ginger bread.”

- Guess what everybody? I found another hilarious celebrity blog called Drunken Stepfather. Not to be confused with www.wwtdd.com , which Stepfather clearly doesn’t rip off. If you’ve never heard of this blog then don’t worry, it’s as stupid as shit. Take his status update for example doesn’t it just cry “I’m a homophobic dick-pit that thinks: A. rape is funny & B. Julianne Moore Uncle Fester’s daughter is so effin hot that I’d eat herpes off a crack whore’s floppy beef curtains just to prove I’m worth it”. Then again I wouldn’t be surprised if his stepfather use to play the “Get over here so I can have sex with your little boy butt” game every Saturday night. Do us all a favor Captain Dingleberry and piss off a mobster whose mother was raped.

Wrenna ***** – I’d have no problem tasting Human.. I think it’d taste like chicken.. maybe like moose. I reaally just want to bite someones throat out right now.. wolf style. GrarRR!! Will be in Hollywood Tomorrow for another neurologist apt then in my pasties I go “:)

- Ever come across a f@cktard like Wrenna and say “I’m not a doctor or anything, but that dumb biotch needs to be put in a straight jacket and pushed down a hill”?  Well I haven’t, because I AM A DOCTOR.  A really good doctor too. So it’s only appropriate that I lend a reasonable explanation as to why Wrenna posted a satanic update.

Late one Friday night Wrenna caught Blade 3 on TNT. She fell head over heels in love with Blade, or in her words “Eddie Murphy: the Black Vampire Ninja”. Of course I told her Wesley Snipes was Blade, but she insisted that Eddie Murphy gained a lot of weight for the Black Vampire Ninja role in Big Momma’s House 2. Anyways, Wrenna got curious and went to a Vampire/Werewolf S&M club. She was immediately propositioned by a man wearing a tin helmet and spiked shoulder pads to take the Human-Moose challenge (much like the Pepsi-Coke challenge, but with blood). After downing 2 goblets of blood Wrenna blacked out. The next morning she awoke in a locked porta potty dressed as a vampire warrior elf. Ever since that fateful night Wrenna is convinced of 3 things: 1. it’s ok to eat people (because human throats taste like moose) 2. vampires and werewolves are real and live in castles 3. Shredder left the Footclan to run the hottest Vampire/Werewolf S&M club in town called FANGS.

Jeni ****** – “So i am laying on the couch today, enjoying a wonderful visit from mother nature, as i am holding my stomach because its cramping, ethan says ”Momma, maybe you should go drop some turds off and then your belly will feel better” omg, i almost wet myself.”

- Well I’m impressed, Ms. Jeni. You’ve taken nearly every bodily function (piss, fecal matter, vagina blood, and possibly tears from laughing so hard) and incorporated them all into a rather disturbing status update. The only excrement missing is your boyfriends semen, which could possibly be found in one of those sperm-turds you’re about to drop. Jeni, I know splooge covered turds and urine soaked panties with blood stains may sound offensive and unnecessary, but it’s not, because it has to do with nature and nature’s not offensive. I don’t know….. I guess I’m a little bummed that you didn’t talk more about your period and how we all need to know about it.

Amanda ******** – “ok one more day before I leave for CHICAGO!!!!! I think there is much to be done but its ok it will all get done and if it doesnt then who cares becuase I get to see some of my family tomorrow and my sisters baby belly (which I am hopeing to be quite large LOL)”

- I wonder if Mark Zuckerberg wouldn’t mind adding a mandatory IQ test to Facebook. Wouldn’t that be badass? You could view all your chums IQ scores on their homepage and leave comments like “Well aren’t you sharp as a tack ;9″. Of course you’ll have people like Amanduhhhhhhh who’ll find ways to piss on your party of happiness by scoring lower than a dead person and failing. Amandumb, the only reason I’m poking fun at your intelligence is because you’re moving to Chicago in the winter…… and the comment you made about “there is much to be done but it’s ok”………..  and the comment you made about your sisters baby belly, which I’m convinced is a knapsack of Kraft Singles that she ‘accidentally’ swallowed.

Cindy ******** – “got class at 9:30 and then got a dr appt at 2 to get my birth control shot, and then i am going to see my baby for a little while and then i have a class at…”

- ….Cindy’s class is to English. First and foremost I’d like to thank Cindy for clearing up a question that’s always baffled me. Why does oxymoron end with moron? (see status update for the obvious answer) Man oh man I wish I invented that word. Of course I’d keep oxy and replace moron with an extremely hurtful and offensive word. And seeing how Sindy sounds like a stripper, hence why I dropped the “C” and added an “S”, maybe this is the perfect time to update oxymoron to “oxyf*cktard”.

- So I was watching Criminal Minds last night when it dawned on me how thankful I am to be alive. Not sure why, but I think it had something to do with that menacing old man who killed girls. I also thought I felt an earthquake, but the rattle turned out to be my neighbors muscle car being all rumblie and shit. Point being that I didn’t need to read Jawkeen’s update to understand what being thankful meant. I’m guessing Jawkeen posted this crap after receiving word that his name will be featured on the Super Street Fighter 7 roster.

Monica ****** – “I’m strong-willed, independent and outspoken; I make mistakes. I am sometimes out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best. If …you’re a…HANDFUL, then post this on …..your status.. I DARE You!”

- You are aware that this courageous DARE you accepted portrays you as a self loving bitch, whose most redeemable qualities can either be found with a backhand upside your head or asleep in bed. Then again you probably snore, snort, and bark like a walrus having a wet dream when you’re sleeping. Either way you’re about as badass as those Tazz and Bugs attitude t-shirts from the 90′s. I personally think you’re a nice stupid person who waters her corn crops on farmville and usually writes updates about how much you love your hubby.