How Does This Guy Have Friends?

Damon ****** – “Save me!!!! Can somebody save me?”

Comments:

-Ken ***** “same problem or new one?”

-Damon ****** – “< I’m not sure I know what you totally are hitting on but I’m D and A free at the moment. I’m just early 30′s and I’ve had a lot of relationships. But I’m not in a relationship, no kids, no reason to live. Really sad all the time. I hook up when I need to but I don’t trust no females. Is life passing me by?”

-Damon ****** ‘I try to smile but I need to snow board and sk8 to make me happy and I can’t do that in this town”

– Damon, in response to your comment above I believe Ken is “hitting on” the fact that you’re a big bitch. Apparently, you’re one of these dickwads who thinks his Facebook friends are going to help SAVE YOU from despair and crippling depression. Did it ever occur to you that Ken nor anybody else gives a shit? I guess not, cause you kept asking faggy questions like “Is life passing me by?”, and continued writing like a beaten monkey by adding numbers to the word “skate” . You’re a lot like a horse queef Damon, loud, embarrassing, and nobody wants to be around when you start flapping your mangina.

When Life Gets Sad

Antoinette ****** – “Drink all day, play all night! Let’s get it poppin – I’m in LA trick!! …. But only for like 2 hours”

- When you get down and no ones around, Life Gets Sad. When you fill a bucket with tears and people laugh and jeer, Life Gets Sad. When you walk alone and nobody’s home but a bottle of cologne, Life Gets Sad. When you inform your friends that you’re back in town and have what sounds like a 2 hour spring break at the California Pizza Kitchen in terminal 3 of LAX, then Life Gets Suicidally Sad. :9

Good Grief

Damon ******** – “Working, again and making great $$$$$. I like everyone I work with and we all get along really well. Yet, something seems missing. Life is much better when you have someone to share your success with. Someone who appreciates you and truly loves you unconditionally with all her heart. Is his still possible???”

- Anybody ever wonder what Charlie Brown would be like when he’s older? You know post Snoopy? I picture Damon a lot like Charlie…. mustache, bald, personality of a floppy boner, bought a cat and named it Loopy, and just recently discovered how to update his status like a 40 year old virgin.

You’re The Absolute Worst

Michelle **** – is “who needs old friends?? i guess we are just a waste of time? been replaced! damn me! i suck bitches!

- I don’t know what I would do without all of my old friends. They’ve always been there for me, even when I lost my virginity and cried all night while hugging my Pillow Pal, Mr. Sandman. Actually, the thought of not having my old friends around has seriously put suicidal thoughts in my head. I imagine this is what O-Town must feel like. Bless your little lamb heart Michelle. You really are the worst!

Fat-Eyes

Yvonne **** – “So apparently, according to an unnamed source, I look great now… and used to be really fat. Not chubby, not overweight due to pregnancy (and well, swiss cake rolls during that pregnancy), but just plain “really fat.” LoL. Wow. I didn’t know people were such douche bags.”

- Did this unnamed source appear to be 10-30lbs heavier since you last saw them? I’m guessing yes. Then it sounds like your friend has a serious disease called Fat-Eyes. Fat-Eyes happens when an “Extremely Fat Person” sees another “Really Fat Person” and compliments them on their figure. DO NOT BE FOOLED! More than likely the “Extremely Fat Person” has wads of fat bubbling up and around their eyes, causing them to squint. This skews their perception and makes “Really Fat People” look skinny, even though your hands, mouth, and gut are filled with swiss cake rolls.

The Joy Of Being Sick

Lv ******** is  “BEING SICK HAS ITS PERKS….I GOT A PUPPY TODAY! I GOT A PUPPY TODAY!!! I GOT A PUPPY TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

- Oh cool….I’ll be sure to tell my cousin, who’s in Intensive Care right now for contracting the H1N1 virus, about the joy of a new puppy. He too will be excited to hear about the many perks of being sick, but we’re all so excited for you!!!!!!!!!!!  Even the Priest, who’s been meddling around my family and the ICU for the past couple of days, has taken time to pray for your recovery and the health of your new puppy. Keep us updated. We’re all dying to hear what you named it.

The Resurrection of 2Pac

Jamie ****** – “chillin at the house.who knows what ill do today.not gonna let anything or anyone get me down.im turning my life back around.”

- Jamie…. I had no idea you could spit such sick ryhmes. I’m not going to lie, (what the f**k were you thinking? You just embarressed the entire human race with that Kidz Bop rhyme) I’m pretty jealous of your dope rhythm and positive message. So, I was thinking, next time you decide to update your status with some harmonious dog crap lyrics let me know, I would love to help smash your computer to bits with an acid tipped jackhammer .