I Threw Up on My Computer… Again

Danielle ****** “Ok, so now my knee is putting out this yellow-y goo….and I’m told it’s the start of the healing process. Why does this seem wrong to me?”

AIDS!

– Cause you’re an idiot.  This is just plain gross.  I don’t even know you and I want to throw hydrogen peroxide all over your leg.  I mean come on.  Mel Gibson would rant on you like he does the blacks and Jews, but since he’s not here, I will.  When you thought ‘hey you know what, I’m gonna post a picture of my leg bloody and AIDS like on Facebook’ what did you think the response would be? Keep pictures to loved ones, vega$$$, roomies and besties, please don’t start an album entitled bloody wounds and healing puss.  I’m gonna go puke now.

The Answer is YES!

Leslie H********* — “Should I take a hint when my bf starts suggesting that we start working out and eating better??? Ha ha like he’s dating a fat kid and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings so suggests we do it “together” LOL”

–I used to suggest to my girlfriend that we have sex in hotter places, or that she turn up the heat in her place to sauna levels so that she could sweat all night.  Then I would always ask her to race me to my car or I would ask her to get something from the kitchen and then tell her I’d time her.  It’s also normal for your boyfriend to suggest you stop double fisting McDonald’s cheeseburgers at 2am, drinking whole milk white russians at a bar, eating pancakes more than 4 times a week and eating all the cookie dough before you actually bake a cookie… fatty.

A Real Love Tongue Twister!

Lindsay G********** “You can’t always think with your heart. Your heart knows no wrong and will love through the pain. When your heart feels that pain, is when you have to be smart enough to think with your head, and be strong enough to leave with your heart in one piece.”

–I am so utterly confused.  I’ve read this about 6 times and each time I get angrier and angrier.  It’s not because I’m confused by what this dribble means, I’m angry because I keep reading it hoping that my hand can reach through my computer and slap you in the face for posting this.  Listen Lindsay, you’re not Walt Whitman nor are you the head writer for the Hallmark channel both of whom are extremely lame… the only time Walt Whitman was ever cool was when he was referenced in the Notebook.  I’m so mad right now…

Be Proud!

Jenna N*** T********** “17 days sober”

–I don’t know if this is something I would really go out and tell everyone.  That is unless you won a bet or you had to go 17 days without drinking so you could go to Outback Steakhouse for a celebration dinner.  But if it’s just being sober for 17 days that’s the success I would keep working.  Keep your ‘number’ to yourself like my slutty ex-girlfriend and tell us when you’ve done something a little more revolutionary like learning how to river dance or read minds.

When Spelling Goes Wrong!

Frankie **********  ”i knew they was bullshittin me!! and just to think i never thought….like them italians say….faget about it!!”

–I’m sure the Italians would be really pissed that you’re calling them such a homophobic slur.  Not bullshittin you either.

So Many Meanings…

Jen ******** “is so sore!”

–I mean come on… really.  What were you in the bang bus, on reality kings, brazzers?  Your next post should be, “I’m so pregnant!”

Double Jeopardy!

Ronnie ******** “baby mama drama folks!!!! i aint never going bak to illinois!!! aint tryin to go bak to prison for life!!! to all my folks yall here me gangsta!! wish i could put one in the air fo my dog but like i said i aint goin fa murda ya heard me!! six up get at big folks!!”

–This can fall in the category of being slightly racist, but I think we all know who posted this.  I’m pretty sure this person isn’t currently doing any type of cancer research or charity work.  Not sure if someone died or if someone is going to die and if said person is someone’s baby mama?  Seriously this could be used in a court of law and people should realize that posting things in this nature could ultimately lead to 25-life… yall.

This is a Real Person…

Prince R***** M********* “ok so much for my dreamcatcher cuz i keep having bad dreams. seems like mine is doing the opposite effect. fuckin shit!”

–Okay… I really wanted to include this person’s whole name because it is absurd.  Let me make a few observations. Nobody is named Prince unless your Dad was a king, your Dad was the King of Pop. Don’t expect us to call you Prince.  You were never in a raspberry beret, a red Corvette and don’t even try to change your name to a symbol.  I hope the dreams you’re having are from Princes who are pissed about you calling yourself a Prince or even better from The Prince of Persia… they’re doing anything to market that movie cause it’s going to be terrible.

He’s So Sweet

Justin ******** – “if i had wings and i could fly,i would still walk to be with you.”

- If I had romantic updates and I could be as lame as Justin I would get my name changed to Lustin, move to a farm in France, learn it’s not ok to be an American, and have villagers kick my face in after failing to pick up the goat milking girl…… with lines from a Hugh Grant movie. All while your friends list has dropped from 235 to 2; i.e. Mom and Dad are your last two friends. And the only reason they’re still friends with you is because they’re old and have no idea how to use the de-friend option on Facebook.

Ass Cars… A Wave Of The Future!

Kelly ********* “hopes my car doesn’t smell like ass when i get in it after work…”

–Okay… well I’m guessing you’re either a slut (get banged in my car before work), have rectal troubles (pooped in your car before work) have friends who are pranking you (farting in your car while you’re at work) or you really love two girls one cup (a combination of both slut and rectal issues) either one of these could explain while you’re car smells like Ass.  I mean I could go on, but I’m going to run to my car and fart in it.